a little bit PREGNANT // 11.2018
Our frozen embryo transfer was on November 26, 2018, we transferred one Day 6 blastocyst. Before I spoke with our doctor was very concerned about the condition of the embryo after the thaw. When I was told, it survived the thaw I was so relieved. I was brought into the OR for the transfer, and as the nurses were prepping for the transfer, we watched on the monitor as the blastocyst began to hatch. It was a fantastic moment. Seeing our baby growing right there in front of my eyes. It was then quickly replaced, and I was brought to the recovery room, where I sat and prayed quietly for a few moments while waiting for my discharge paperwork.
A little over a week later I received the most wonderful phone call that we were pregnant. The nurse reported my beta to be 41. While the number wasn’t as high as my first pregnancy, to say I was over the moon would be an understatement. I knew this was the one was a strong one. The nurse was so sweet in delivering the news and explained that I was to come back in for more bloodwork to ensure the numbers would double. I was entirely sure that would be the case since I already felt all the early pregnancy feels.
The day I went to the RE to have blood work done I was confident that the numbers would be much higher than last time. However, once I picked up the phone I knew, it would not be good news. It was my Doctor, she apologized and advised me that not only did the numbers not double but they went slightly down. However, they would recheck me after the weekend to see if the numbers increased at all.
Unfortunately, they did not go in the direction we had hoped they would have.
The nurse explained that this was a biochemical pregnancy.
A biochemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage.
Basically, while your body starts to produce hCG hormones resulting in a positive pregnancy test, it does not progress to the point of an ultrasound confirmation.
For us while the numbers again declined, plummeted, in fact, I was still technically (chemically) pregnant; however, the numbers at that point were so low it was no longer a viable pregnancy, and I would have to return for follow-up blood work to ensure the number gets to <5.
I am only comforted by the fact that I was fortunate enough to be able to bring this baby home. I felt a deep and intimate connection with this baby's soul the moment it was placed in my womb. I was lucky enough to carry this child with me and marvel at the experience of growing a life inside me if only for a few days. I provided a warm, safe environment and loved you for every single moment of your exponentially too short of a life. Since the loss was so early, I will not have to endure any surgical intervention, and it will resolve on its own.
​My husband and I are realizing more and more how lucky we are to have our daughter, but that still doesn’t ease the ache to give her a sibling. This is the second miscarriage from the same group of embryos. The first embryo in 2016 resulted in a first-trimester miscarriage. After the D& C, we were advised that the baby had Trisomy 4 and was "incompatible with life." We did not have this group of embryos genetically tested, and I know that the odds of the next one resulting in a viable pregnancy are low. However, I am resolute in bringing each one of our babies home. Let God be God, and decide if we are to have another baby. Therefore we will begin our final IVF (FET) cycle in January 2019.
I have been privately grieving the loss of this baby, having space to quietly grieve has given me the strength to persevere. I have a tremendous support system of family and friends who have been there for me through some of the most challenging times in my life. I have my moments where the weight of another loss feel heavy and cumbersome. I feel as if I want to just give up and walk away from this entire process, but I remind myself that there is a rainbow waiting for us and that God has a plan greater then I could ever design.
*Edited to update.
when January of 2019 came around I decided we would wait. I was really hurting, still grieving our third loss. At that point I said I would give it a few months. We are still waiting for that last babe to come home.
